Change....

One Thursday morning, specifically October 8th,2009. Sitting at my kitchen table cathcing up on facebook, and just stuff to keep my mind busy. doing this all on a 28 inch monitor, to aid me with the visual problems I have had. Mr Reese has always made sure I had what I needed or just had a whim for. Not always a good thing.

On this particular morning Lynn went to have coffee with his guy friends, I encourage him to do so because I know that he is not a stay put couped up in the house kinda guy. I told him I was doing fine and would see him later on. As always he kisses me on the forehead says "Love ya Fred, I'll be back." ..like the terminator..Arnold the Governor..he can be so funny.

As most of you know I have had many health issues, been traipsed off to this Dr for that test, draw blood here, go there for next opinion, start this pill. stop this pill. And thru all of this I honestly thought I was dying, and no one had the guts to tell me. Have had several hospital stays, a couple ambulance rides....so needless to say our home is never calm.

Today is Friday and I am ready to let my extended family know just what is what. My immediate family had a nice supper at Grandma and Grandpa Carty's house, Thursday evening and they were the first to learn all the black and white results.

The final diagnosis is Central Pontine Myelinolysis..........big word huh.....it is a brain injury caused by correcting a low sodium level at to rapid of rate. When this happened all the protective coating on my nerves in the Pons area of the brain was stripped away. This in turn has caused my brain and body to malfunction improperly

When the phone call came in I was home by myself.....I am thankful for that. I needed time to let this all soak in and get a grasp on my feelings.I talked on the phone with the Nurse and Dr, while they explained to me what life was going to be like... that is what I want to share with you now.

This is a permanent injury, very rare does this happen, and there is no cure or fix....however there are life changes that will and have already started.The main changes that I am going to face are as follows

1 my vision will continue to decrease

2 my mobility will continue to decrease..I am mobile with a walker now, but at some point that will become a wheelchair..they have some pretty fancy ones out there I hear...so at some point I get to go shopping

3 my speech will continue to become harder to understand, along with my swallowing ability....some of you may be at a point thinking she won't be able to talk...ALLRIGHTY THEN...let me say this.....I WILL GET MY POINT ACROSS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER......stay positive here with me.

4 I will have chronic to severe pain for the endurance of this...I have already started pain management by wearing a patch...relieving the pain that I have already dealt with is a major improvement...the Dr says this is the main objective..to keep the patient as pain free as possible and still live life to whatever capacity I choose.

AND I HAVE CHOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE HONESTLY AND OPEN WITH A HEART FOR GOD AND MY FAMILY.

I am going to have good days ..some several in a row....and same with the bad......Dr SAYS.....PACE YOURSELF. I can still have black out spells so you no longer have to worry about my driving....that will make several happy I am sure. I am still capable of staying home by myself for now.....that in time will change and we will cross that bridge later.

Soon you will see a ramp being constructed in front of my home.....this was my first request....I have to know that I can get out of this house when and if I need to........

As for my daily activities now......one day at a time...if it is a good day I may just call YOU and say "hey wanna go for a ride" or come over for coffee or tea. On a rough day I may be on the sofa napping ...and this is what i ask of you then....there will be a sign on the door saying "company is welcome come on in"....please wake me...YOU may be the only one I get the opportunity to visit with on that day.....and i don't want to miss out on a good conversation.

If ever I needed ANYONE OF YOU....now is the time.......let me stress this..do not feel sorry for me or have pity......help me to live life as God would want me to live. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME MAKE THE NECESSARY CHANGES THAT ARE GOING TO OCCUR.

I AM ONE TOUGH COOKIE...............that weeps on occasion....my memory may slip me from time to time...so I could repeat myself several times or ask the same question more than once.

I have been told and honestly believe that God will take every situation and make good out of it....and sometimes He will take the broken down person from the past to transform something magnificent for the future....to that i say "GOD HERE I AM TO BOW DOWN, I LAY IT AT YOUR FEET.

You may share this with anyone you wish......in a small town gossip can spread like wild fire.....and it is important to me that everyone knows the truth............so that they can prepare themselves for our new adventure.

I love you all, and continue to ask for prayer for my family for God to comfort them , reassure them, and OPEN THE EYES OF THEIR HEART LORD.

IN GOD'S LOVE,

your sister Tammy

Which comes first ..the calm or the storm? or is it a dance?

I have found myself all week in prayer, for calmness. And for the most part prayers have been answered.I often wonder though if calm is what I should pray for because usually it is followed by a storm of many variations. Is the storms in our life part of our growing and learning process. I wonder, if our lives were all filled with calmness, would we miss our dance with God? I do not want to miss the dance, so I will take the storms as they come. Can we go thru the storm and still have calm in our life? YES WE CAN!!! It is called a personal relationship with God, and I am so thankful that I have that. I do not deserve it , I am not worthy of it, yet I know in my heart that God loves me and will always be there for me........and you. As I sit back as a mother and watch my children go thru the storms in their own lives, I catch myself wanting to fix it, but I can't, for if I did they would miss their dance with God. I will pray that my children will hear God calling them to the dance, such an important part of growing and learning. All of them at a younger age received Jesus as their Savior, I am grateful for that. My prayer for them is that they hear Him calling. I love God for all He has done in my life, may He also be dancing in yours.

Snowflakes

I love the snow, always have even when I had to drive in it. I love to see a snowflake on my coat, and think how intricate the details and that there is never two just alike. Today in Church our pastor did something different. We had a video pastor and it was amazing. The man talked about the universe and how God had created all things. He compared earth to a golf ball to all the other stars, and that somewhere on that golf ball we were on it. He also said that God knows everyone on that golf ball, every intricate detail. As I watched the snowfall tonight I thought about how we could be just one snowflake, but put all the snowflakes that had fallen today together and it was so much more than just a snowflake, maybe a snowball or a snowman, or even an ski slope. If I compare myself to a snowflake , that's not much, but join with all the other snowflakes and you become bigger and stronger. I am so glad that I know God and that He knows every intricate detail about me and you. When we join together we can accomplish so much more. I am so thankful to have a Church Family that joins together. We can all love, we can all share our faith,we can all share our personal relationships with Jesus. But when doing all of those together, it is bigger, more visible to those around us. We are being watched by others looking for a better thing. As one person, it is important to have others watching, see God in and thru us. Put us together and we can reach beyond our own tiny space and reach those in our city and county . Wherever you are and whatever you may use to compare yourself to, allow God to work in and thru you, whether it be a snowflake or a snowman or a ski slope.....God wants to use us to further His Kingdom...I am honored and humbled to be one of His snowflakes.

Good day or bad day?

I was ready for the day when I got up, or at least that's what I thought. Went to work, got computers up and running, checked messages, and it was down hill from there, or so I thought. I worked by myself today which is not often, I dearly love my boss Kris and co=worker Lisa, both are good Christian loving women. The phones were very quite, only a few people came into the office. And to be very honest I did not have much enthusiasm after the first phone call, some people can be down right mean. I decided to check my email, and a friend of mine from the past who now is very active in our Church had sent me a message..........at this point i would like to share it.........
You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren,'Purpose Driven Life" author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California . In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:
People ask me, "What is the purpose of life?" And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.
God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.
I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness," which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.
It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions or popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures, guilt, bitterness, or materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, "God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better." God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.That's why we're called human beings, not human doings Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.Painful moments, TRUST GOD.Every moment, THANK GOD.
.................after reading this I sat there and thought why am I feeling so bad today, I have so much to be thankful for, I spent the majority of the rest of the day just talking with God and listening. I thank God for all the good days and bad days , otherwise I would not be where I am today, wanting to know God more and wanting to Love God better. i look forward to all my future days good or bad.........because I know that God will be with me , and he will be with you if you allow Him in your life. God Bless .........until the next day........love to you all PS...thanks Rick for the email message.....beat the drums for God's Kingdom.

letting the apron strings untie

Being a mother of 5 adult children, has given me many cherished memories and to be very truthful a lot of burden that I was not meant to carry. A little background first. I have 3 children from my first marriage, Lynn has 2 from a previous marriage, but thru out the years they have become our children. When it was just me and my 3, it was some hard roads to cover, no money , worked 3 jobs and basically saw my kids when I went to the sitters to read then a book and get a catnap with them before the next job...that was something I had to do at the time. With that said I became a control freak and wanted and needed to make sure that they all became successful adults. After all I brought them into the world. It wasn't until they were all adults making their own decisions did my controlling get in the way. I really believed that it was my responsibility to keep them on track and to fix things when it went bad. It worked on my health, took me away from the more important things in my life , but most of all It took the Glory away from God to work in their lives...I definitely got in His way. I went to talk with Tim about this and the one thing that stuck in my mind was"It is not your job to carry the burden of your adult children, all you need to do is provide a safe place to fall when the time comes. And let your kids see how God is working in and thru you to make a difference. Two of the 5 children did fall and fall hard, and I sat back and let them figure it out, I stayed out of God's way , and to say the least my life was better and they were being held accountable by a much higher force than me. They have grown from the mistakes made and continue to grow because this Mom stepped back. I have said before that I always love me kids very much , but sometimes I don't always like them ...and that is ok. When you find yourself so wrapped up in another ones life that it takes way from your own in a bad way....then it is time to " LET GO AND LET GOD". I pray for my family each day and for God to work in their lives in a way that they know it is only God. I also pray that for myself and my Church family and community, and for God to give me the opportunity to share my faith or to use me in a way to Glorify His kingdom, not mine. Until next time ..remember sometimes we just have to "Let go and let God"...all my love to each reading this......may God use this blog for His Kingdom.

Two years wasted

I am so thankful that 2009 is here, along with changes and commitments. Let me say that 2007-2008 was very hard for me, and I did nothing to make it better. It started with a back injury that kept me in bed for 5 months, on pain meds that only made me numb to my surroundings, and to be honest it made it easier that way. I had excuses for not doing anything, my back hurt, my balance was terrible, lost confidence in myself, stopped being a wife and a mother, and grandma. Did not go to Church because of one excuse or another. I totally disengaged from everything. Let me say that I really did have a back injury and was sick with bronchitis and numerous ear infections, in general my health was bad....and I used it whenever I could to keep me from participating in life. I was throwing the biggest pitty party around...for me..accept I was the only one at the party. When you get to the point where you really are all you have because of yourself, it get's really scarry. The only one I knew I had was God himself, and He does not play games...hard lesson learned. Thru all of this I never felt God leave my side, I am very thankful for that, but not deserving for sure,but He loves me and He loves you, I encourage you to take a long look at where you are and what you are doing. If you are comfortable and not feeling motivated ....it just may mean ...get on your knees and confess and ask for forgiveness. God is the most loving one you need. I have a lot of work to do and catching up to do, I thank God that He did not give up on me and He will not give up on you. Until next time..Love Loud , and get personal with God....He is the great leader.....remember "ITS NOT ABOUT YOU" AND THAT IS A GOOD THING.